Overwhelmed
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
10:15 PM
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I've been on a weight loss journey since June 11, 2011. That's when I really decided to take charge of my life and of my health and to lose weight once and for all.
The benefits have been great. Fantastic even. Number one, I'm losing weight. Then there's my clothes don't fit because they are too large, the better health, more energy, reduction in thyroid meds, feeling better, having more confidence in myself, all of that stuff.
There have been some downsides, although some of them are just inconveniences, and mostly to me. There's the fact that my clothes don't fit, and if I'm not careful, my thyroid levels get out of whack again. There's the whole, eating healthier costs more issue, which is mostly true if simply because produce can be expensive.
Back to why I'm overwhelmed. My clothes don't fit. I've spent some money this year getting good clothes that do fit. And I needed to put them away. Which led to a whole let's clean out our drawers and closets and reorganize everything, because even though it's the middle of winter, it's time for some spring cleaning, right?
Going through my closet meant pulling out my mom's clothes. Her work jacket with the angel pin. The black formal dress she wore. Her club jersey. Her sweaters. Her bison jacket that she wore when she was sick.
I can't wear them. They are at least 2 sizes too big for me. But I can't give them up either. They mean so much now. I miss her. I miss her horribly.
I have a trunk in my room right now ready for me to pack them up, but I don't know that I can. I don't know that I'm ready. At least in my closet, I can still look at them daily if I want. If I put them in that trunk, does that mean I'm packing up the last of my momma?
I don't have the answer, and maybe I should just go to bed and deal with it tomorrow. I don't know.
The other reason I am overwhelmed is because I met with a personal trainer tonight. He worked me hard. Well, at least harder than I've been worked in a while. And it's odd, because I actually feel somewhat athletic. And I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. When am I going to get fed up with this new healthier me? When is it going to stop? When will I go back to eating junk food again and just being lazy in front of the computer?
And while I'm sitting here thinking all these things, I know I don't want to go back. I can eat salad now (and DO!). Eating too much junk food, especially anything really sugary or really greasy makes me feel ill for at least 24 hours. I can't have seconds and thirds anymore, because I'm enjoying my firsts.
So would I want my mom to live through that horrible sickness that is cancer again? Would I want her to live in a semi-Alzheimer's state of mind, or as a stroke victim? The obvious answer is no.
My momma, my best friend, my mentor is in Heaven. She is with God and she is singing with the angels and she is holding my angel baby. She is playing cards with Maw-Maw Milly, and she is swinging high on that swing set. Praise God. She is home.
So, I guess I've worked through this. I'm going to go in my room and pack up that trunk, and I'm going to be loving every precious moment I had with her. Thank you God for my momma. Please let her know I love her still.
Hugs,
Melinda
Created with Microsoft OneNote 2010
One place for all your notes and information
